-
Notifications
You must be signed in to change notification settings - Fork 0
/
Copy pathjokes.txt
677 lines (327 loc) · 11.3 KB
/
jokes.txt
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42
43
44
45
46
47
48
49
50
51
52
53
54
55
56
57
58
59
60
61
62
63
64
65
66
67
68
69
70
71
72
73
74
75
76
77
78
79
80
81
82
83
84
85
86
87
88
89
90
91
92
93
94
95
96
97
98
99
100
101
102
103
104
105
106
107
108
109
110
111
112
113
114
115
116
117
118
119
120
121
122
123
124
125
126
127
128
129
130
131
132
133
134
135
136
137
138
139
140
141
142
143
144
145
146
147
148
149
150
151
152
153
154
155
156
157
158
159
160
161
162
163
164
165
166
167
168
169
170
171
172
173
174
175
176
177
178
179
180
181
182
183
184
185
186
187
188
189
190
191
192
193
194
195
196
197
198
199
200
201
202
203
204
205
206
207
208
209
210
211
212
213
214
215
216
217
218
219
220
221
222
223
224
225
226
227
228
229
230
231
232
233
234
235
236
237
238
239
240
241
242
243
244
245
246
247
248
249
250
251
252
253
254
255
256
257
258
259
260
261
262
263
264
265
266
267
268
269
270
271
272
273
274
275
276
277
278
279
280
281
282
283
284
285
286
287
288
289
290
291
292
293
294
295
296
297
298
299
300
301
302
303
304
305
306
307
308
309
310
311
312
313
314
315
316
317
318
319
320
321
322
323
324
325
326
327
328
329
330
331
332
333
334
335
336
337
338
339
340
341
342
343
344
345
346
347
348
349
350
351
352
353
354
355
356
357
358
359
360
361
362
363
364
365
366
367
368
369
370
371
372
373
374
375
376
377
378
379
380
381
382
383
384
385
386
387
388
389
390
391
392
393
394
395
396
397
398
399
400
401
402
403
404
405
406
407
408
409
410
411
412
413
414
415
416
417
418
419
420
421
422
423
424
425
426
427
428
429
430
431
432
433
434
435
436
437
438
439
440
441
442
443
444
445
446
447
448
449
450
451
452
453
454
455
456
457
458
459
460
461
462
463
464
465
466
467
468
469
470
471
472
473
474
475
476
477
478
479
480
481
482
483
484
485
486
487
488
489
490
491
492
493
494
495
496
497
498
499
500
501
502
503
504
505
506
507
508
509
510
511
512
513
514
515
516
517
518
519
520
521
522
523
524
525
526
527
528
529
530
531
532
533
534
535
536
537
538
539
540
541
542
543
544
545
546
547
548
549
550
551
552
553
554
555
556
557
558
559
560
561
562
563
564
565
566
567
568
569
570
571
572
573
574
575
576
577
578
579
580
581
582
583
584
585
586
587
588
589
590
591
592
593
594
595
596
597
598
599
600
601
602
603
604
605
606
607
608
609
610
611
612
613
614
615
616
617
618
619
620
621
622
623
624
625
626
627
628
629
630
631
632
633
634
635
636
637
638
639
640
641
642
643
644
645
646
647
648
649
650
651
652
653
654
655
656
657
658
659
660
661
662
663
664
665
666
667
668
669
670
671
672
673
674
675
676
677
# https://www.comicrelief.org/posts/150-jokes-for-kids
Q: Why did the cell phone get glasses?
A: Because she lost all her contacts.
Q: How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
A: He gave her a ring.
Q: What’s the most popular video game at the bread bakery?
A: Knead for Speed.
Q: Why is Santa good at karate?
A: He has a black belt.
Q: Where do werewolves buy Christmas gifts?
A: Beast Buy.
Q: What did the snowflake say to the road?
A: Let’s stick together.
Q: Why did the turkey join a band?
A: So he could use his drumsticks.
Q: What’s a math teacher’s favorite winter sport?
A: Figure skating.
Q: Where do werewolves buy Christmas gifts?
A: Beast Buy.
Q: What did the snowflake say to the road?
A: Let’s stick together.
Q: Why did the turkey join a band?
A: So he could use his drumsticks.
Q: What’s a math teacher’s favorite winter sport?
A: Figure skating.
Q: What’s a firefly’s favorite dance?
A: The glitterbug.
Q: Why are eyeshadow, lipstick, and mascara never mad at each other?
A: Because they always make-up
Q: Where do roses sleep at night?
A: In their flowerbed
Q: Why was the show bad at gymnastics?
A: She was a flip-flop
Q: What should you wear to a tea party?
A: A t-shirt
Q: What’s rain’s favorite accessory?
A: A rainbow
Q: Where does a sink go dancing?
A: The Dish-co
Q: What’s a princess’s favorite time?
A: Knight time.
Q: Why did the Genie get mad?
A: Because he was rubbed the wrong way.
Q: What’s a ballerina’s favorite type of bread?
A: A bun.
Q: What kind of dance was the frog prince best at?
A: Hip hop.
Q: What do bunnies like to do at the mall?
A: Shop ‘til they hop.
Q: How did the beauty school student do on her manicure test?
A: She nailed it.
Q: What is corn’s favorite music?
A: Pop.
Q: Why can’t Monday lift Saturday?
A: It’s a weak day.
Q: Why was the politician out of breath?
A: He was running for office.
Q: What is a soccer player’s favorite chemical element?
A: Goooooooooooold!
Q: Why did the fastest cat in class get kicked out of school?
A: He was a cheetah.
Q: Which state has the greatest number of jokes?
A: Pennsylvania.
Q: Where is the best place to sit when a submarine is diving?
A: Inside.
Q: Why did the lawyer show up in court in his underwear?
A: He forgot his lawsuit.
Q: Why was the teenager no longer allowed online without a license?
A: He crashed the computer
Q: What’s a ball that you don’t throw, shoot, eat, spit, bounce, or catch?
A: An eyeball.
Q: What do turtles, eggs, and beaches all have?
A: Shells.
Q: What time of year do people get injured the most?
A: In the fall.
Q: Why did the quarterback take the hardest classes?
A: Because he knew he would pass.
Q: Why did the musician throw away her table?
A: Because it was flat.
Q: Why didn’t the farmer's son study medicine?
A: Because he wanted to go into a different field?
Q: What is the math teacher’s favorite dessert?
A: Pi
Q: Why was the princess in the emergency room?
A: Because she broke her crown.
Q: Why is Peter Pan flying all the time?
A: He Neverlands!
Q: Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
A: Because every play has a cast.
Q: Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
A: He just needed a little space.
Q: Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
A: Because they make everything up.
Q: What does a nosy pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeno business!
Q: How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
A: Put a lox on it.
Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye?
A: Between you and me, something smells
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An impasta!
Q: What do you call a pony with a cough?
A: A little horse.
Q: What did one hat say to the other?
A: You wait here. I’ll go on a head.
Q: What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?
A: This tastes a little funny.
Q: Why did the frog take the bus to work today?
A: His car got toad away.
Q: What is an astronaut’s favorite part on a computer?
A: The space bar.
Q: Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
A: They each got six months.
Q: How do poets say hello?
A: Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
Q: Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
A: Because he lost his filling.
Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?
A: Because they use honeycombs
Q: Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
A: They don’t meet koalafications.
Q: How do you throw a space party?
A: You planet.
Q: Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game?
A: All of the fans left.
Q: What do you call a train carrying bubblegum?
A: A chew-chew train.
Q: What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A: A can’t opener.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
A: He won the “no-bell” prize
Q: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
A: Supplies!
Q: What did the buffalo say when his son left?
A: Bison!
Q: Have you heard the rumor about butter?
A: Nevermind, I shouldn’t be spreading it.
Q: What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
A: Do these genes makes me look fat?
Q: What does a spider’s bride wear?
A: A webbing dress.
Q: What did one firefly say to the other?
A: You glow, girl!
Q: Where do you learn to make banana splits?
A: At sundae school.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone!
Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear?
A: Sneak-ers.
Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: Because it had so many problems
Q: Why did the computer do to the doctor?
A: It had a virus.
Q: What are the strongest days of the week?
A: Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weak days.
Q: Which letter of the alphabet has the most water?
A: The “C”!
Q: What gets wet while it’s drying?
A: A towel.
Q: Why can’t your head be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot.
Q: What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping?
A: A dino-snore.
Q: What is fast, loud, and crunchy?
A: A rocket chip.
Q: What did one plate say to the other plate?
A: Dinner is on me.
Q: Why did the student eat his homework?
A: Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.
Q: Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
A: Dill with it.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket.
Q: What is a witch’s favorite subject in school?
A: Spelling.
Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7, 8, 9
Q: When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
A: When the punchline is a parent.
Q: What do you call a duck that gets all the A’s?
A: A wise quacker.
Q: What kind of water cannot freeze?
A: Hot water
Q: What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A: A palm tree
Q: What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
A: Hailing taxis!
Q: How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?
A: About a buck an ear.
Q: What animal is always at a baseball game?
A: A bat.
Q: What falls in winter but never gets hurt?
A: Snow.
Q: What building in New York has the most stories?
A: The public library.
Q: How does the moon cut his hair?
A: Eclipse it.
Q: How does a scientist freshen their breath?
A: With experi-mints!
Q: What happens when the clock strikes 13?
A: Time to get a new clock
Q: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
A: Ten-tickles
Q: What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A: A tuba toothpaste
Q: Where do pencils go on vacation?
A: Pencil-vania
Q: What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping?
A: A dino-snore!
Q: What has ears but cannot hear?
A: A cornfield.
Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye?
A: Between us, something smells!
Q: What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A: A palm tree!
Q: What animal is always at a baseball game?
A: A bat.
Q: How does the moon cut his hair?
A: Eclipse it.
Q: Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?
A: Because he wanted to see time fly
Q: What do you call a fish without an eye?
A: A fsh.
Q: What does bread do on vacation?
A: Loaf around.
Q: When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
A: When the punchline is a parent
Q: What did one eye say to the other eye?
A: Between us, something smells!
Q: Can February March?
A: No, but April May.
Q: What kind of vegetable is angry?
A: A steamed carrot!
Q: Where do rocks like to sleep?
A: Bedrock!
Q: What did the reporter say to the ice cream?
A: "What's the scoop?"
Q: What time is it when the clock strikes 13?
A: Time to get a new clock.
Q: What is a computer’s favorite snack?
A: Computer chips
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: Because he felt crummy.
Q: Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?
A: Because she was stuffed.
Q: What did one plate say to the other plate?
A: Dinner is on me.
Q: What do cakes and baseball teams have in common?
A: They both need a good batter.
Q: How do squids get to school?
A: They take an octobus.
Q: What did the reporter say to the ice cream?
A: "What's the scoop?"
Q: Why did the girl put her cake in the freezer?
A: She wanted to ice it.
Q: Why couldn’t the pony sing a lullaby?
A: She was a little horse.
Q: Why are cats good at video games?
A: Because they have nine lives.
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: Because he felt crummy.
Q: What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping?
A: A dino-snore.
Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye?
A: Between us, something smells.
Q: Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?
A: Because she always runs away from the ball!
Q: What’s a banana peel’s favorite type of shoe?
A: Slippers.
Q: Where do polar bears keep their money?
A: In a snowbank.
Q: Why was the broom late for school?
A: It overswept.
Q: What has hundreds of ears but cannot hear a thing?
A: A cornfield.
Q: How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
A: You use a pumpkin patch.
Q: What genre of music does a mummy like the best?
A: Wrap.
Q: Why are ghosts bad liars?
A: Because you can see right through them.
Q: What genre of music does a mummy like the best?
A: Wrap.
Q: Why are skeletons so calm?
A: Because nothing gets under their skin.
Q: What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A: A spelling bee.
Q: Where do you learn to make banana splits?
A: At sundae school.
Q: Where do hamburgers go to dance?
A: They go to the meat-ball.
Q: Which letter of the alphabet has the most water?
A: The “C”!
Q: How do you know when the moon has had enough to eat?
A: When it’s full!
Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear?
A: Sneak-ers.
Q: What's a snake's favorite subject?
A: Hissssstory.
Q: Why did the dog do so well in school?
A: Because he was the teacher’s pet!
Q: What are the strongest days of the week?
A: Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weak days.
Q: How does the ocean say hello?
A: It waves.
Q: Why can’t your head be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!
Q: What’s the most detailed-oriented ocean?
A: The Pacific
Q: What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet?
A: Reali-tea
Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?
A: Because they use a honeycomb
Q: Why did the man fall down the well?
A: Because he couldn’t see that well.
Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: Because he Neverlands.
Q: What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle?
A: They rose.
Q: How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
A: Bring out the doggy paddle.
Q: What kind of music do chiropractor’s like?
A: Hip pop
Q: Why did the kid cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!