"Did I pick the right person? This question inverts the starting and ending points. We do not pick our perfect match, because we ourselves are not perfect. The universe hands us a flawless diamond - in the rough. Only if we are willing to polish off every part of ourselves that cannot join do we end up with a soulmate"
She does not remember when it all started.. They had a lot of time to talk and they had a lot to talk about. She was the only girl in her team of programmers and she was keen to be friends with someone who would not bore her to death. They were hardly 21, but it was the early 2k, and in India they all grew up a little later than the rest of the world. They were more like a boy and a girl of 17. Free, innocent, gullible and untouched by worldly wisdom.
There were talks of marriage at her home. In their community, once the girl has completed her education and has a job, there is nothing more to do than to get married. (Sometimes completing the education or having a job was also optional) She had a lot of prospective suitors, some who liked her from her college, some from her own extended family circles and some prospective grooms in the arranged marriage market. She could not understand why anyone should marry unless they fell in love. As she was growing up, her favorite book was Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. She thought life would give her a chance to meet her Darcy who would fall in love with her mainly for her wit and intelligence, and whom she would eventually fall in love with.. She still didn't have a backup plan for what if that did not happen.
She had a lot of time to think about love while in college. There were many boys who liked her and who proposed love to her, but she was sure that she was not in love with any of them. She had rejected and discouraged many suitors, all the while being secretly afraid that for all the hearts she had broken, life would take revenge on her.
He was very different from all the boys she had met. He neither seemed interested in love nor had any notion of settling down anytime soon. He had a career to build, he wanted to be the next Bill Gates and she was fascinated by his drive and zest for life. She could be herself with him, and quickly he became her friend, mentor, guide and confidante. Meanwhile she also saw many of her friends falling in and out of love, getting married to men they didn't love. The fear that life might actually be just a set of compromises till death, started looming over her head.
He seemed to have dismissed life already. His inherent cynicism extended to marriage too and he made the profound declaration that all marriages were anyway lose-lose relationships. She wanted to dismiss it as the stupidity of a 21 year old, but she was unable to find proof of starkling contrast around her. He was Tamil and his current fascination was Vairamuthu songs in Tamil movies. He would painstakingly translate the songs he was listening to, for her.. and she would be fascinated by the idealism, especially related to love, in those poems. She wished with all her heart that such love existed in the world (even if she was not lucky enough to experience it).
They would also talk about the friendships and crushes they had in college, about what true love is, and how they would recognize it if they experienced love. Then one day, he suddenly shifted gears. He told her that he suspected that he was in love. He was talking about "his love" as if looking at it from outside, so she didn't have any reason to think that it was her. They were talking about one of his friends in college and somehow she didn't feel curious about who he was in love with. She was more curious about his feelings and his expressions and whether it could really be the love that Shakespeare or Jayadeva was talking about.
Like everything else, once he set forth, he seemed sure, sincere and fully dedicated in his pursuit of love. She started feeling very happy, his experience transferred to her and she started feeling hope in life again. The kind of love he was experiencing seemed genuine and it was the first time that she was seeing something like that. Many of her friends had talked to her about their experiences related to love , but nothing had this purity or lack of calculation or the complete submission that she saw in him. He was blissful all the time and seemed to radiate with happiness. He also switched from glasses to contact lens and altogether transformed into a well-groomed good looking boy from a person who didn't care about anything in the world.. He told her that he was quitting smoking since he wanted to be 'worthy' of 'her' and started hitting the gym and taking new hobbies like swimming and rowing. She relished the change in her friend and felt a renewed positive energy every time she was with him.
She had a bracelet made of rolled gold. It had beautiful musical notes in it. One day they were standing in their favorite sunset corner and they were so engaged in conversation that they didn't notice that it had turned dark. She was flashing her hands and the bracelet caught his eye. "This is so beautiful", he said, "can you give this to me for a day". He had an enchanted look on his face, and she had a flashing thought that maybe he was thinking about his girl. She said "Of course" and tried to take it off, but the clasp was tight. He was insistent and helped her get it off. He was looking so happy, almost like a kid who had been given his favorite toy. She had a rule against going on his bike, so he got an auto and dropped her back home since it was late.
He used to stay with his friends, one of them his childhood friend. He told her the next day over morning coffee that his friend thought he was mad, when he showed him the bracelet. That should have given her the warning, but somehow she was determined to not break the trance of his happiness. She was enchanted by it to such an extent that she was unwilling to touch it. She did not say anything.
But over the days, he would talk to her as if she was in on his secret - He would tell her how, growing up, he had laughed at all the Bollywood heroes, but how now he was behaving like one. She asked him if he did not mind looking like a fool. He said he's past that stage - that he had resigned to looking like a fool, but he could not hide his feelings and that it was her problem if she was uncomfortable.
She slowly started doubting the implication of the whole thing. He - a Tamil Iyer boy from a conservative family was contemplating getting into a relationship with her - a Kerala Muslim 5 months older than him. The year was 2002, the stuff was something that could create a communal riot , at least in her community. Or maybe she was imagining the whole thing. He was very intelligent, ambitious and practical. She tried to pretend that this was not going to happen. That he was still a friend who was in love with some girl she didn't know, and that she was happy for him.
She was brought down to hard reality when the marriage was fixed for one of her roommates, her friend. The attitude of her friend woke her out of her reverie. Her friend seemed to approach marriage like an exam - stressful and unpleasant, yet inevitable. It bothered her a lot. During their morning coffee, she was discussing this with him, and his question was - if the girl is not excited about the marriage, isn't it unfair on the guy? She wondered, what if it is the same for the guy? If we invest in marriage like how we invest in shares, with all kinds of calculations, there is only anticipation - whether it would go up or down. As they were approaching their cubicles, she said "Sometimes I wonder if I would end up exactly like that.". He stopped short - his face dark like a cloud. "What do you mean?" She repeated - "I don't want to feel sorry for myself, but my options seem to be running out". He left her and seemed aloof for the rest of the day.
Later she pinged him to remind him of their team meeting and he responded over IM that he was not in the mood for all that now. She asked if he was angry with her.
He: Sometimes I feel that we understand each other perfectly. But sometimes we seem totally out of sync. You seem surprised at most things I thought you knew.
She panicked. "I think I understand what you are trying to say, but maybe you don't understand me. Maybe you have misunderstood me."
He: "Doesn't matter. In any case, I cannot have any ill feeling towards you. I also want you to understand one thing. The first thing I liked about you was that you are a very open person. Please never lose that quality."
She - "Whatever you want to ask, you can ask. I promise I'll be open. But your questions should be clear."
He - "Maybe I don't want to ask. I am afraid, frankly."..
She: "Then how can I be open?".
He : "That is true. Remember our deal a while back? I answer your questions and you answer mine! :-) Long before.."
She: Yes, You can proceed
He: I don't know. I am still scared. Should I ask?
She: No. Maybe not. But I will tell you something. I am not in love with anyone in this world. It does not mean I don't like anyone or love anyone. But I am not "in love".
He: Good then, forget it. No questions, no answers.
He went back to his old self with a vengeance. She noticed that he again started sneaking out of the office to smoke. She was afraid to ask or reprimand. He lost interest in his work and started looking like a mess. She was angry, and frustrated. But she could not let someone bully her or blackmail her into falling in love. She missed her friend miserably. She desperately wanted things to be back to where it was and tried convincing him that they should be just friends. He was adamant that she is not a friend. He said he was not one of those kinds who pretended to be friends with the girl he was in love with. He gave her the bracelet back and said that for his self-preservation it was better that they did not interact with each other.
_~ Her_
© 2019 Shenuja Subhash