til: good listener

Author: ntk148v

others/the-myth-of-the-good-listener.md

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+# How To Be A Good Listener
+
+Source: <https://tomblog.rip/the-myth-of-the-good-listener/>
+
+_A good listener is actually someone who is good at talking_
+
+## 1. Let people feel their feels.
+
+The first step in getting over an emotion is to own it. For a while. Don't tell the person she isn't feeling it, or worse, make her feel ashamed of having the feeling. The feeling is there. Face it and it will lose its power.
+
+## 2. Check your own emotions.
+
+Don’t allow lies you want to correct, or generalizations you want to protest, or insults you want to decry, or any angry words to manipulate you into engaging. This is not a real conversation. Real conversations and problem solving don’t happen in yells or insults.
+
+_Note: if this happens regularly with one particular person, it might be time end this relationship._
+
+## 3. Talk to children as if they are people.
+
+Don’t let "what do you want to be when you grow up?" be the first thing you say to a child, try "what's on your mind today, buddy?" instead.
+
+## 4. Don't give advice. Not really.
+
+If a person is debating a decision, there's no need to stress out about what advice to give him or her. Forget what you know. And don't talk about your experience unless the person is specifically asking for it in hoping to learn from you (see #5).
+
+## 5. Don't relate.
+
+Empathy is not "hey that happened to me too!" or "I also know what you are talking about—in fact I know a lot more than you do!"
+
+Empathy is just the opposite: turning away from your ego, for just a minute (don’t worry, you can have it back soon!) in order to imagine, really imagine, what it’s like for someone else to be alive.
+
+## 6. Ask questions.
+
+Questions, good straightforward questions, are one of the greatest gifts you can give a person. Questions say, “I’m interested. You are valuable.” And they are my go-to solution whenever I have no idea what to say.