Parental Obligations - On the occasion of my daughter Liora's Simchat Bat 6 Cheshvan, 5780 Nov 3, 2019
The talmudic obligations of parents to children - Delivered 6 Cheshvan 5780/November 3, 2019 at Congregation Netivot Shalom, in Berkeley, California on the occasion of the Simchat Bat of my daughter Liora (ליאורה בת אליענה)
Hello, my sweet love. Welcome to all our loved ones here to celebrate with us today. Unlike for a bris, there is no set liturgy or ritual for welcoming a baby girl. Certain groups of Jews have various traditions, but our own Ashkenazi minhag is very sparse. There has been great ritual creativity to welcome Jewish girls in the last 50 years, but no consensus.
So, just in case you were a girl, I sat down during pregnancy to plan what a naming ceremony would be. There were a lot of examples of what to DO during the ceremony, and I was crabby about all of them, though I found some lovely prayers and blessings. Finally, I realized that the way I would want to welcome a baby girl is by a dvar Torah, a word of Torah.
My sweet love, someday, you’ll learn that the thing that I love most in all the world, after you and your papa and our families, is Talmud. So what words of Talmud could I share to celebrate my great joy, welcoming a new Jewish baby girl?
Well, the Talmud has a few things to say about parenting. Rabbi Steinsaltz translates and explains Kiddushin 29a as:
תנינא להא דת”ר האב חייב בבנו למולו ולפדותו וללמדו תורה ולהשיאו אשה וללמדו אומנות וי”א אף להשיטו במים רבי יהודה אומר כל שאינו מלמד את בנו אומנות מלמדו ליסטות ליסטות ס”ד אלא כאילו מלמדו ליסטות: The Gemara comments: According to this interpretation, we learn in this mishna that which the Sages taught in a baraita: A father is obligated with regard to his son to circumcise him, and to redeem him if he is a firstborn son who must be redeemed by payment to a priest, and to teach him Torah, and to marry him to a woman, and to teach him a trade. And some say: A father is also obligated to teach his son to swim. Rabbi Yehuda says: Any father who does not teach his son a trade teaches him banditry [listut]. The Gemara expresses surprise at this statement: Can it enter your mind that he actually teaches him banditry? Rather, the baraita means that it is as though he teaches him banditry. Since the son has no profession with which to support himself, he is likely to turn to theft for a livelihood. This baraita accords with Rav Yehuda’s interpretation of the mishna.
Of course, this is phrased as the halachic obligations of a father to his son. But I think we can expand on the spirit of this, to explore what Jewish tradition and Halacha has to say, for us, as parents of a Jewish daughter, and to me, personally, as Ima of a daughter.
First, to circumcise one’s son. Let’s be honest: as much as I did not care at all about the baby’s gender, I’m a tad relieved to be standing here today, having a Simchat Bat instead of a circumcision. Brit Milah, circumcision, is a very tough mitzvah. Historically, circumcision marks men as Jews, including in many places where to be so marked was dangerous, or a death sentence. And of course, just the reality of it. Take your tiny, perfect child, only 8 days old, so tiny, and perform a surgery with few, if any, health benefits in the developed world, because of law and tradition. Oof. But perhaps what we can learn, as Jewish parents, is that we are obligated to bring our children into the covenant, and raise them in the covenant, even when it’s hard or dangerous. As a girl, our daughter enters the covenant just by being born to me, a Jew. However, in today’s world, everyone is a Jew by choice. So as parents, we are obligated to take the small choices each day which enable our child to grow up with a strong Jewish sense of self and commitment, even when being Jewish is not easy.
Second, to redeem the firstborn son. Justin and I spent a lot of time debating the meaning of this obligation, and how it relates to raising a daughter today. Justin wondered if it had to do with accepting the mantle of obligations of parenthood, to raise the child to be a functioning member of society. I recalled the origin of firstborn sons being dedicated to G!d: it was after the Israelite firstborn sons were spared during the plague in Egyptian which killed all the other firstborns. We think perhaps, it has to do with gratitude. Chana dedicated her first son to G!d out of gratitude for him. Perhaps the firstborn were dedicated to G!d out of gratitud, as well. Maybe, an expansive view of what it means to redeem the firstborn son, applied to children of all genders, whether born vaginally or via cesarean section, is gratitude. As parents, we must recognize that, as tough and wonderful as parenthood can be, it is a gift from G!d, to be responsible for raising another human to be a functional part of society. Our children are not us, they are not our property, they are their own humans, who we are privileged to steward to adulthood. In addition, perhaps, redeeming the firstborn son means recognizing with gratitude, that G!d helped us create these children, and protect them.
Next, to teach him Torah. This doesn’t take much reunderstanding, as the parent of a daughter. I’m so so excited to teach you Torah. It is my deepest hope that you will come to your own relationship to Torah study, and that it will be a fond and regular part of your life. I hope we can share a lifetime of studying together, and I hope that you will bring your own insights, that I may learn from you.
To marry him to a woman. If it’s who you decide to marry, I would be delighted to see you married to a good woman. A good person of any gender. But I don’t plan to pick out a spouse for you. That’s not the world we live in. So what can this mean for us today? Perhaps it means to raise you to a person who can pick a good spouse and be a good spouse. Teaching you about healthy relationships, and warning signs of unhealthy ones. Teaching you about consent, both giving and asking for it. Teaching you to feel your feelings deeply, and not explode with them. Prioritizing the health of my own marriage, so that you have an example of a healthy marriage when you are ready to become a spouse.
What does it mean in today’s world to teach your child a trade? It could still be literal. I’m sure Papa would be happy to teach you to be a tile setter if you want. But Rabbi Yehuda gives us insight into how might it be applied. It’s not enough to teach you a trade. In addition to the skills you need to gain a livelihood, we are obligated to teach you to behave ethically in business dealings. This obligation seems to me to speak to a need for parents to ensure a secular education, vocational training or advice and support for the child navigating their way into a career, and also a moral education.
And lastly, to swim. Swimming is a crucial safety skill. We might expand this to many skills for keeping oneself safe in the world. To swim, and to trust your intuition. To assert your boundaries, and to drive carefully. To wear reflective gear at night, and to not follow the herd without thinking.
As parents, we will strive to do our best to fulfill these obligations: to raise her immersed in Judaism, to be grateful for the gift of being her parents, to teach her to study torah, to teach her to have healthy relationships, to teach her to earn a livelihood ethically, and to give her the skills to guard her own safety.