Dear Judie,
I'm writing this letter to you to express my disappointment.
I have returned to hometown with hope after finishing overseas study last month but haven't found a satisfactory job after all. I have graduated from a famous university and got a Master's degree so that I should have a good job for proving I am excellent. However, reality makes me very disappointed. I gave up many job opportunities to come back to realize my dream.
So, I need you to give me some advice with regard to the things I should do to find a good job. In addition, thank you for your concern and willingness to help me.
Cordially yours
Li Ming
| 改动句子 | 改动说明 |
|---|---|
| after all | 感觉此处after all放到前面比较好 |
| university | 为什么你的university总是要大写呢 |
| with hope | 既然with hope是修饰have return to hometown的，我觉得还是放到前边比较好，要不容易引起歧义 |
| job opportunities | 许多工作机会，应该用这个比较好 |
| to | 此处应该用to，而不是for |
| back | 拼写错误 |
| to give | need sb to do sth |
| and | 前后词性要一致，前面concern是名词，因此后面也应该用名词，willing的名词形式是willingness |
Dear Judie,
I'm writing this letter to you to express my disappointment.
I have returned to hometown with hope after finishing overseas study last month but haven't found a satisfactory job after all. I have graduated from a famous university and got a Master's degree so that I could have a good job. However, reality makes me very disappointed. I gave up many job opportunities and came back to realize my dream.
So, I need you to give me some advice with regard to the things I should do to find a good job. In addition, thank you for your concern and willingness to help me.
Cordially yours
Li Ming
| 改动句子 | 改动说明 |
|---|---|
| and | 可以用一个并列关系啊，不然这句话to太多了 |
| came | 改并列句后自然要用过去式 |
| could | so that 引导目的状语从句，觉得还是用could 比较好，表示我得到名校的硕士学位目的是能够找到好工作，后面那半句别要了，有点生硬 |